As the World Turns

I'm not sure what to write anymore.  Part of the reason for starting this blog was for it to be therapeutic.  But I have a hard time wearing my heart on my sleeve.  So I avoided this place, this blog.  I'm sure I'm not alone in that defensive strategy.  I purposefully hid behind my excuse of having a second job and my excuse (which I no longer have) of working out every morning.  I just know that if I don't do something then I will begin to unravel.  So many of my goals are just beyond the finger tips but yet I feel like I'm just running in place. It's hard to stay motivated when your valuable therapy (Crossfit) is too expensive and your inexpensive therapy (wine) isn't truly therapeutic.  It's just a way of avoiding.

So here I am on a Tuesday night....avoiding.  I know what I need to do but that doesn't mean I have the fortitude to do it.  I have unfortunately found myself in a vicious cycle.  One of which that once you realize you're in it, the only person you can blame for it is yourself.  The question I must ask of myself is 'Can I break the cycle?'  Actually, that is not true.  I know I can break the cycle.  The right question is knowing if I can handle what comes after the cycle is broken.

Now that I have found the time

Don't be entirely surprised that I have been absent a few months from this blog.  Some call me crazy and others call me a workaholic but when it's proxy season, overtime is my bestest friend.  I drive a fine line between working for overtime pay and being dedicated.  I also have to remind myself that during this time I've managed to stay with my second job, as a waitress.  I think people always forget or don't realize how much energy being a waitress truly does take from you.  I'm obviously more aware of it now that I've had a desk job for more than two years.  Oh and let me tell you HOW outta shape I've managed to become.  It's quite depressing as a matter of fact.  But...I'm the only one to blame for feeling this way.  When you are young and playing sports in high school you don't realize that the structure of team and a coach is what helps keep you motivated.  Trying to get motivated or stay motivated, for me, is damn near impossible.  I've come to accept this as a flaw.


So yesterday was my birthday.  It is the first birthday I have enjoyed in a very long time.  I think it is very possible that I have come to except the coming of age.... Something else that comes with age is the onset of lovely feelings the body produces alllllll of a sudden which you are now completely and udderly aware of on a daily basis.  And on that note, that is why I FINALLY purchased a Crossfit membership.  Now don't start applauding yet because I managed to get an awesome Groupon deal (yes, I know I'm a cheapskate) but it was the exact motivation that I needed to just take the leap and go for it.  I've come to grisp with the fact that if I want to do Crossfit then it is going to cost me a pretty penny to do it.  But I need that hardcore, adrenaline, I can't move tomorrow type of motivation.  In my recent quest to better myself, inside and out, going to a Crossfit gym has been towards the bottom of the list.  I've worked for a couple of years now on my financial health, within the past few months began working on my mental/emotional health, so last but definitely not least is my physical health.  Wish me luck.

“Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.”

May the road rise up to meet you

Okay! So the decision has been made.  The application has been mailed and the trascripts have been requested.  I'm going back to school to be a Nurse.  :-D  And I am excited about this.  I finally know what I want to be when I grow up!  There are few odds and ends that still have to be wrapped up in order to be excepted into the program.  I don't think that will be as much of a problem since I've gotten a head start on the whole process. 

Even more good news to share...I got a raise.  My debt snowball will be rolling at a faster rate this season and I'm so thrilled.  I've been working non-stop for months now, well...even years and I'm beginning to see the sun through the clouds.  I continue to pray that my goals will stay right on track.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

The precipice

Have you ever stood at the edge of the future and the only thing standing in front of you is patience?  I'm so there and I'm copin' a pair of shades. :o)  I have diligently waited for the earth to rotate in our direction.  And for the first time in four years I believe that it is our time.  My one and only hiccup is...I'm SO impatient.  I'm like 3 year old fogging up the glass in an ice cream store.  I just want to start singing Veruca Salt's 'I want it now!'

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

A loyal sister is worth a thousand friends

Considering the lack of friends I have in my life, I think that is why God gave me so many sisters.  I don't know what I would do without them.  Moving to the Triangle has to be one of the best decisions I've ever made.  Each sister has qualities that set them apart from the others.  And each one has helped support me in ways that are unique to that sister.  I will forever be a better person because they are in my life.

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.  ~Margaret Mead

There can be no situation in life in which the conversation of my dear sister will not administer some comfort to me.  ~Mary Montagu

Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider.... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled.  ~Jane Mersky Leder

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way.  ~Pamela Dugdale

Sisters don't need words.  They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief.  Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling.  ~Pam Brown

We acquire friends and we make enemies, but our sisters come with the territory.  ~Evelyn Loeb

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities.  She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway.  She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark.  She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.  Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.  ~Barbara Alpert

Currently on a high note

I've never consider myself a cheerful person.  :-/  I guess I'm just too misanthropic, on a daily basis.  But when I come into work and I seem to be the most upbeat person, that really says a lot for all of the others.  It's Friday!!!  And we have a three day weekend coming up!  Woo Hoo!!!  Exhibit some sort of excitement...please.  Now granted I can't stand an overly bubbly person but I would accept that right now considering the lot that is working here today. 

On a personal note, I can definitely say that a lot has recently made me happy.  First and foremost, I have mornings to myself again.  This semester my husband has to be at school by 7:45 so he generally leaves around 7.  This means I can finally get dressed with the light on!  LOL  Most recently I've changed my routine (I had issues with motivating myself at night to wash my face, brush my teeth, etc.).  So, I now take showers at night and get everything done before I go to bed.  Which means I get to sleep in an extra 15 minutes in the morning and I get to take my time getting ready for work.  A luxury I haven't had in about 4 years.  Secondly, I have had to back down on the amount of days I work at my second job.  The busy season is going to kick in soon at my full time job but unfortunately we don't know when that will specifically happen.  So, for now, I'm enjoying have the extra few evenings a week.  Third but probably best of all, my best friend is moving to the Triangle!!!  I miss my bestie.  We both moved away from Wilmington within a month of each other.  She moved to Fayetteville and I moved to the Raleigh/Durham area, only an hour and a half apart but still too far.  I've begged her off and on over the past two years to move here too but she wanted to stay closer to her family (can't blame her, that's why I moved here).  But now! she is moving to the Triangle and I'm terribly excited.  I have my coffee buddy back!

What to do? What to do?

So.  I don't want to feel as if my bachelor's degree (Business Administration - concentration Operations Management) was a waste of time but I don't particularly enjoy it.  It probably doesn't help that I denied the career path that I really should have taken...medicine.  Through many discussion with my husband and years of watching medical mystery shows, crime scene investigations, and animal rescues, I've decided I want a career change.  I realize I have to go back to school and to be honest I secretly enjoy the idea of going back to college. 

Here's my dilemma (a dilemma all freshmen in college face): what do I want to do with my life?  When I was younger I was hooked on Unsolved Mysteries.  Any show that had to do with solving a murder or crime through medical science I was glued to the screen.  Knowing that a crime could be solved because of the contents of the person's stomach or from a carpet fiber amazed me to no end.  And part of the glory of it all is that you are speaking for those who no longer can.  Most recently I've gone the opposite direction of death and enjoyed the idea of becoming a labor and delivery nurse or a pediatric nurse.  I've also read a few books on midwifery.  Walking couples through what is probably one of the most special moments of their lives is awe inspiring. 

So?  I'm torn.  Do I become a nurse?  Or do I become a forensic pathologist?  I hope to start school at the beginning of next year.  I obviously need to make a choice by then.  Either way, I know I would enjoy what I was doing.  I am also pretty much guaranteed to never be bored at work.